I have a confession. I struggle with anxiety. Surprisingly enough, even people that know me well would probably never consider me as someone who “struggled” with it. Anxious at times? Sure, aren’t we all? Consistent anxiety that disrupts life? Not Olivia. I wish that were true, but unfortunately it’s not. If I’m being honest I didn’t even realize I struggled with it until fairly recently. It’s always been there; but for me it’s mostly disguised as something else. Anger. There I said it. I also have an anger problem. That is something that a small handful of people who are close to me definitely know; but for the most part I keep that hidden pretty well too. When I say hidden, I do not mean intentionally hide. I internalize a lot of my anger, and the stuff that I do let out is typically just a breaking point that is seen and experienced by the ones I love the most. It is quite the experience. Ask my husband... haha.
When you are prone to being an angry person who also has anxiety, what you see on the surface is typically just more anger. For me anxiety at times may mean crying behind closed doors and wanting to just sleep a lot. Out in the world however, my behavior comes off as aggressive and a bit over the top. What people aren’t seeing is the crying desperate soul that longs for peace and calm in those moments. When I’m anxious it’s usually because I feel not in control of the situation, my surroundings, or my emotions; and when that takes place I then feel and behave angry. It’s an impulsive response to a deeper level issue.
It’s nothing more than a stereotype to claim that women who struggle with anxiety stuff their emotions and it’s the men that typically react and behave angry. Because for me that couldn’t be further from the truth. I am a woman who struggles with anger AND anxiety that surfaces as anger. As a woman I also feel that this is important to say. Ladies - It’s okay to feel angry. When I say angry here I mean straight up just mad. Not even anxiety; an actual spark of frustration that has slowly (or quickly) transformed into a fiery frustration. I think this is important to talk about because there can be a lot of shame surrounding the topic of anger for women. When men get angry it tends to be normalized as “aggressive”, which for some reason is an okay thing??? However for women that word holds a different weight. Aggressive also comes with crazy, dramatic, bitch (sorry for the language but it’s true), emotionally unstable... sadly the list does go on. Why are there so few words for men, but so many words for women with the exact same behavior? I really don’t have an answer to that.
Here’s what I am not implying: I am not implying that inappropriate reactions and behaviors are okay, male OR female. What I am implying is that we live in a culture that doesn’t give women the freedom to embrace the exact same emotions that are sometimes normalized for men; and that’s not okay. I feel pretty confident in saying that because I have been a victim of feeling that way my entire life. I think we need to stop the stigma of women solely being these sad passive crying in a closet people like they so often project in the movies. What about the women that slam doors, stomp around, need to take deep breaths, yell, and have to walk away? To be clear, I am not proud of any of those things. But ladies, how are we ever going to find freedom in that part of who we are, if we walk around hiding it? If you are a woman reading this and you struggle with anger, the best thing you can do is to talk about it. Don’t hide it. The longer things stay in the darkness, the darker they become.
My anxiety is a real thing. It’s important for me to state here that my anxiety is a separate thing from my anger. It may sometimes be manifested as anger, but not always. Often times deep in my soul there is more than just a fiery frustration. There’s pain that leaves me feeling weighted down and breathless. Last week I was having so much anxiety that I decided to do some meditative prayer. I have an app that speaks prayers over me while a bubbling brook sound continues in the background. As I was resting in this moment, I started to imagine myself climbing a mountain with a very heavy backpack on. That’s how I was feeling in that moment; heavy and tired. Trying to keep on going all the while having to carry a heavy load with no one to relieve me. When I pray, God very often speaks to me through images. So it was no surprise to me in that moment as I imagined myself in this scenario, that God showed up too. As I climbed higher and higher, I saw a man calling me in the distance. When I reached him he gently encouraged me to put the backpack down and take out the things that were making it so heavy. I imagined these things as rocks. Each rock had a different name of something in my life that weighs me down and gives me anxiety. I handed the man each and every rock in my bag while stating what it represented. Then I picked up the empty bag and walked away feeling lighter. This is the same image of what God is asking us to do in 1 Peter 5:7 when it says, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” I don’t believe that what that scripture is implying is that this is a one time thing that can heal you of your worries, stress, and anxiety. I believe that God is calling us to do this everyday. Especially if you struggle with anxiety, something like that can be a powerful thing. You may always struggle with anxiety, but it doesn’t always have to be a battle. You may not ever be fully “freed from” your anxiety, but you can absolutely experience freedom within it.
A couple weeks ago my church finished a three week series on anxiety that was preached by my pastor and his wife. I was honestly shocked when my pastors wife got up and for three weeks in a row explained how she struggles with consistent anxiety. I don’t know her all that well, but well enough to be surprised that she struggled with something like that. It was in that moment that I realized that I am no different. If I had been on that stage speaking about my anxiety and my anger, many people would be shocked. When I realized that I decided that it was important for me to speak it out. I’m pretty sure that mostly only close friends and family read my blogs, which I am very much okay with. However, if this blog speaks to you in any way please do not hesitate to pass it along or share it with someone else who you feel may need to read it. Here’s why..
I understand that the topic of anxiety especially, for some people comes with deeper harder issues than my own personal battle with it. I do not battle depression nor have I ever been suicidal. However, I am a positive happy smiling full of life person on the outside, while at times being the complete opposite on the inside. Anxiety can be a very lonely thing. When you are in a cycle or season of anxiety you convince yourself that you are alone, no one understands you, and that no one would care even if you told them. So it’s important for ALL people who struggle with any level of anxiety to be open to their loved ones about it. Even if it’s after the fact. “Hey, remember last month when I was acting strange? Well I was battling pretty bad anxiety that entire week”. This alone could save a life. My anxiety or your anxiety may not be life threatening, but to someone else it may. A lot of times someone in that sort of state, won’t talk to anyone about it because they don’t think anyone would understand and they have already convinced themselves that they are alone. Allow people the opportunity to know who you are so others feel comfortable being who they are too.
I think the #MeToo movement is so powerful because it took people who were in isolation and gave them the power to come out of hiding. What if we did this with anxiety? Depression.. anger.. eating disorders.. personality disorders.. mental illness.. you fill in the blank. Whatever is inside, please let it out. We need to be talking about these things. No one should ever feel alone. So to whomever is reading this...
You are not alone.
