As I sit back and reflect on this past year, I can’t help but think of the things that I learned. The biggest thing I learned, is that sometimes God is truly the only source of truth that we can trust. That was a pretty big lesson for me, as I tend to see the best in everyone. If you are kind to me, then I am not going to assume the worst of you. This is a wonderful way to be, but I am this way to a fault; because when people fail me it shatters me. Also, as an enneagram 2 (the helper) I tend to feel the need to help everyone. If I can’t “save” a situation, then I feel the weight of it all on me; as if it’s my fault if it doesn’t get better. Truth be told, I want everyone’s stories and struggles to have happy endings, and I always want to be the hero. Not because I want to take the spotlight, but because I am passionate about reconciliation, redemption, and people living as their best selves; and I simply can’t stand still and do nothing. However, God is always the real hero; and recognizing that sometimes means waiting on God and waiting for the miracle. No one wants to wait for a miracle, but sometimes the process of waiting.. the planting and watering.. is where the real growth happens. I can’t say that I have given up my “happily ever after” hope for all situations, but I have certainly learned how to lean into God with situations that are filled with brokenness and disappointment. Only with God can pain have purpose, hardships have hope, and chaos have comfort. This is because God never fails, God never breaks a promise, and God never lies - In fact, that’s the only thing that God can’t do. He is the WAY when someone needs a hero, the TRUTH when someone speaks or believes a lie, and the LIFE that was the biggest miracle of all. Remembering that, got me through this year.
Another thing that I learned is that the enemies biggest tactic to dimming our potential, is to use current trials to distract us from being who God is calling us to be in our future. Any attack on our lives from the enemy, is a proactive approach in preventing us from being used by God in the future. I have never seen this to be more true than I did this year. If you had a rough year that felt like an attack, take it as a compliment! You must be important. I’m excited for 2019, because 2018 showed me that the devil is scared of me. Something great must be coming. My family and I must have great potential! The devil only tears down and beats up, who he’s afraid of standing up and speaking out. The people the devil tries to silence, are the ones that have important things to say.
I have learned that motherhood is a journey that is going to change me; because it already has. I have learned more about myself as a mom and person this year, than I have in the 6 other years that I have been a mom. Having a child with some sort of special needs has really challenged me as a mom - Challenged my patience, and challenged my trust in God. I wondered many times if I was even the right mom for Caleb. God made sure to remind me though, that he chose ME specifically to be his mom. Ironically with Caleb being diagnosed with ADHD this year, I have recognized and finally began to embrace the fact that I have ADHD myself. I have learned to live with it as my own normal over the years, and some people may not even notice. However, life in the brain of Olivia is rather chaotic and extremely complicated. Trust me! I realized this year that I tend to seem very put together on the outside compared to what typically goes on in the inside. As a mom I may seem confident and organized, but I am just as tired and confused as most all other moms... I promise you. This year, motherhood taught me that it’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to cry when you have your 5th meeting with the principal and it’s only November. It’s ok to cry at church when the Sunday school teachers have to talk about your sons bad behavior and you have lost count of how many times in the last few weeks that you have already had this exact same conversation with other adults concerning your son. It’s ok to cry when you have to drop your kid off at a new school in November because you are scared for him. It’s ok to cry because you didn’t think motherhood would be like this. It’s ok to stop pretending you feel awful when people talk about your sons bad behavior because you live and breathe it and it has become your new normal. It’s OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY. It’s ok to love being a mom but wishing you weren’t all at the same time. Being a mom has taught me how to fully be myself, flaws and all. If I’m going to teach my kids anything, it’s going to be how to do imperfect to the best of their ability. In our house we do yelling, crying, hurting each other’s feelings, apologizing and forgiving. We do real. The worst thing you can do for yourself as a mom is to try and seem perfect on the outside when you are broken on the inside. Kids need real parents with real feelings who can show them how to have victory over the sometimes unexpected painful realities of life.
To be honest, I could fill enough pages for an entire book with what this year has taught and brought me, but these are the few things I felt the most lead to process here and share. I am thankful for all the blessings I found within the battles, and that God took so many trials and turned them into testimonies.
2018.... you broke me, disappointed me, surprised me, and overwhelmed me. But you also put me back together as a better stronger version of myself.
2019.... I’m ready for you.
Bring it.
